Government steps in to stop failure of Mrs. Rhodes.

Washington DC - The Fed moved today to prop up the finances of Mrs. Rhodes of 1830 W. 7th st. in Springfield. "The failure of Mrs. Rhodes ability to purchase her cigarettes is exerting a drag on the economy. We also understand that her Chevy Suburban needs some alignment work, and that she would love to be able to afford a cruise this year. Sure, she didn't need the Wide Screen TV she purchased earlier this year, but we are not bailing her out, so much as helping out the US economy continue its growth. Mrs. Rhodes 42 year history is one of ups and downs, but one that the US has a vested stake in supporting. We would not like to see the economic drag that Mrs. Rhodes could exert extend into other market sectors."

The Fed will be releasing $2 million to assure her economic future and thereby the economic future of the US economy.

New Bridge found to be sign of Second Coming

Moline- It appears that the new bridge crossing the Rock River is a sign of the apocalypse. "Christ died to save the world" not from sin, but from the Sinissippi says local evangelical clergy group leader Dr. Angle "Soul Train" Johnson. "The book of Revelations is quite clear," he says, "the war of Armageddon will be fought in Black Hawk State Park." He goes on to detail the ways in which the seven horsemen of the apocalypse represent the I 280, I 74, Government, Centennial, Crescent, Illinois 92 and finally the bridge at Carr's Crossing. He also placed the date of the end times at the completion of the New I 74 bridge.