Government steps in to stop failure of Mrs. Rhodes.

Washington DC - The Fed moved today to prop up the finances of Mrs. Rhodes of 1830 W. 7th st. in Springfield. "The failure of Mrs. Rhodes ability to purchase her cigarettes is exerting a drag on the economy. We also understand that her Chevy Suburban needs some alignment work, and that she would love to be able to afford a cruise this year. Sure, she didn't need the Wide Screen TV she purchased earlier this year, but we are not bailing her out, so much as helping out the US economy continue its growth. Mrs. Rhodes 42 year history is one of ups and downs, but one that the US has a vested stake in supporting. We would not like to see the economic drag that Mrs. Rhodes could exert extend into other market sectors."

The Fed will be releasing $2 million to assure her economic future and thereby the economic future of the US economy.

New Bridge found to be sign of Second Coming

Moline- It appears that the new bridge crossing the Rock River is a sign of the apocalypse. "Christ died to save the world" not from sin, but from the Sinissippi says local evangelical clergy group leader Dr. Angle "Soul Train" Johnson. "The book of Revelations is quite clear," he says, "the war of Armageddon will be fought in Black Hawk State Park." He goes on to detail the ways in which the seven horsemen of the apocalypse represent the I 280, I 74, Government, Centennial, Crescent, Illinois 92 and finally the bridge at Carr's Crossing. He also placed the date of the end times at the completion of the New I 74 bridge.

$200 million to Study Bridge Possibility

Moline- IDOT revealed today that they need $200 million to prepare a study of the possibility of a bridge over the Rock River connecting the land of Sveli the goat herd and John Deere Headquarters. "Might save a few minutes if I ever decide to visit," Sveli said.

IDOT says that they will need federal funding in addition to the state's support for the plan to prepare a study of the possibility of a bridge over the Rock River connecting the land of Sveli the goat herd and John Deere Headquarters.

"Even though the current use may only be one person, a long term study is needed to figure out if we need to plan for the possibility of further usage of this plan by others out to about the year 2136. This is so that we can comply with what could be federal guidelines at that point in time," an official from IDOT said.

"Do we really need another bridge? Especially since this crossing would primarily benefit only one goat herd?" we asked another official. "That's what the $200 million study is set to tell us," he said, "We don't have answers to questions like that today."

Phil Hare said that the prospects of getting the funding looked "good".

Mrs. Dash makes for tastier streets

Davenport- Running out of salt for your streets? Use Mrs. Dash. That's what they do in Davenport. "Not only does it lower the blood pressure on our roads, it makes them tastier," says the current undersecratary to the secretary of the city manager's best friend.
4 out of 5 people agree. In a blind taste test, Davenport streets come out on top. Des Moines with their "Teriyaki spray" came in 2nd.
"Young professionals look for that kind of innovative thinking," the undersecratary added.

Squatters Take Over Potholes

Moline- Squatters have begun setting up house in potholes around the area. This has started to create a legal mess. "Where the rules of the road meet squatters' rights, there is a mess," a source close to the Sheriff told the Yowza.

"We just want our rights!" said Mrs. Farnsworth who has set up a nice two bedroom suite near the 2800 block of river drive. "Housing is so expensive, and here are large spaces for the taking. Eventually, I think we could get the city to use eminent domain so that we can take the snowbanks and turn them into condos."

Of course, the question on everyone's mind is: What about going to the bathroom?

"The river's so close," Mr. Davis who lives near the curb on the 3100 block, "Well, turns out our excrement is cleaner than it is. We contribute to making the river cleaner...actually".

What happens when the city fills in the potholes, we asked the squatters, "Not much," they said.

Lent Cancelled Due to Snow

Davenport- Lent has been called off because of the large amount of snow the area has received. Father O'Malley from the St. Jerome South East Davenport By the River Church says that this time of year with the cold and the snow is already "just too depressing without all that fasting and repentance piled on top of it".
"We'll try again next year," he said.

Wolf Hired!

Moline- Unnamed sources tell us that the wolf that killed a deer in Moline has been hired by a local TV station to do the weather. "He's cheap," said the station owners, "Much cheaper than the last guy. He has a lot of experience with the outdoors. He devours the competition. What else could you want?" What else indeed?

"He does excellent, top notch, superb, stunning work," said the program manager whilst cowering under his desk, "I think animals are the future in broadcast television".

When asked for comment, the wolf stared icily and drooled.